"Under" Kicks "New" Ass

Close your eyes and try to imagine the scene... You are in a dark room, surrounded by strangers, the atmosphere is of excited expectation. You know the feeling well, the possibility that what you are about to experience will be something to remember. After half an hour of fast-paced, loud foreplay, you settle down for the main event. You are about to watch a much talked-about and anticipated film, in this case, "The New World." Keep in mind you had planned to go to the movies all day to watch "Underworld," but at the last second, a decision was made to watch this instead, because after all, it is much more your taste. So "The New World" it is.

To say that this movie was a dissappointment would be the biggest negative hyperbole of the year. There is virtually no dialogue, and of the little talking that does occur, most of it is as voiceovers. The cinematography might be a redeeming point for some moviegoers, but personally I was over the swaying fields of high grass and the rain pitter pattering into the river after the first 25 times. While the 13-year old (at the time of filming) Q'Orianka Kilcher who plays Pocahontas (we are never told her name) is "totally believable" as a fresh-faced, wide-eyed, vibrant and loveable character, most of the other actors are very oddly casted. Colin Farrel is unusually unlikeable as John Smith; the fact that Pocahontas was attracted to him and fell in love with him makes her seem all that more naive, because honestly, he's not that great a catch. Well, ok yes he is the best-looking of the bunch, considering every one else is either old, dying or semi-putrid already. Then there is Christian Bale, so ODD as John Rolfe, the loyal and loving husband who I found myslef rooting for. The romance b/w Rolfe and "Rebecca" (Pocahontas's Christian name) is so much more interesting and realistic than that b/w her and Smith that it really makes us not have much sympathy for this love that changed the course of the world.

Even James Horner's score was a let down. If I hear another tinkly tune on the piano I'm going to hurl. Still impressed by Geisha's score, I have high standards for my big-movie music, and this was definitely a miss.

So no dialogue, crappy casting, irritating music and FUCK it drags on and on... PEOPLE ACTUALLY LEFT THE THEATER. And im not talking about that one person who gets the urgent phone call mid-film. Several people actually walked out. And there were more than a couple paying customers who fell asleep during the ordeal.

CHECK IT, YO: http://www.gayot.com/lifestyle/movies/reviews/2006/the_new_world.html

It was so bad that we decided, despite the fact that it was getting super late, to sneak into "Underworld."

Yes, there are a couple cheesy scenes (someone PLEASE stop making people make out in the middle of catastrophe... NO ONE, not even if they got the chance to kiss Kate Beckinsale (who is super sexy in this movie) would stop in the middle of a werewolf fight to make out. sorry), and it is gorry as all hell, but in a very fun kind of way. And yea the dialogue isnt award-winning, although a couple lines were pretty smart actually and stuck with me after the credits rolled... But all in all, I have to say that Underworld was a fast-moving, action-packed tale of retaliation and setting wronged things right. Would I recommend people go watch it? Not necessarily, unless you are deciding b/w this and "The New World." At least in this one you get one hot sex scene b/w Kate and Scott Speedman (lot's of near-crotch shots, and I gotta say that girl has a sweet stomach); you also get lots of gross-out close-ups of werewolves changing from people into creepy, hairy, teethy things, there is a threesome scene, a father-sons moving (somewhat) back story, and ultimately, a cheesy romance. When faced with choosing between that and a dull, overly-long historical drama/romance, the choice is clear. "Underworld all the way." A great way to end an otherwise 'cultured,' peaceful, happy, beautiful day and a very satisfying weekend.

Original post date: January 23, 2006