I made a promise to myself that 2011 will be the year that I take care of my life. The inner and the outer, the tangible, the invisible, the loud, the silent, the confident, the lost, the broken, the strong, the crazy I don't know what I am doing with myself life, the life that surrounds me and tries to get by without me touching it except by its coattails as it zooms by. That life.
But I am messy. I am messy in my room and I am messy in my head. Things jumble together and I get overexcited and want to tackle the whole wide universe of life-fixin's at once, and therefore implode before I even get started. I know, I've tried taking care of my life before. So this time I am going to try something new to me. I am going to try slowing down.
Slow is hard. Slow takes time, slow takes patience, slow takes faith. Three things that don't always go hand in hand. When I have one, I am missing the other two. When I finally get to two, the third somehow slips away. But no matter. This is a year of unity. The year I am getting my mind and life to zen. The year this trinity will finally merge. Time, patience, faith. To hold on to them is like the proverbial sand in the hand, I will try to hold loosely, and they will no longer squeeze away. I hope. No, I believe.
So I am slowing down. I am learning. Man, is it hard! I am the girl who does four squats and wants perfectly toned thighs. The girl who makes one batch of frosting and wants it to be Martha Stewart quality. The girl who gets a 1% raise and wants to buy the whole damn store. The girl who always leaves late for an appointment because she thinks she can make up time on the road. The girl who takes a Spanish class and thinks she's fluent. Who wants it all now and throws her hands up and walks away when now takes too long. I like to hurry but for no real reason. Not a good reason, anyway.
I think I am off to a good start. I am trying to prioritize things, organize issues into categories. Things like "health," "finances," "social life," "career goals." Instead of a long list of things to do in one day and not doing any of them, I have created a long list of things to do in a year, and am tackling them one, or two, at a time. I find that I can tackle "health" and "finances" at one time, but only if I subdivide these into smaller sections, so instead of "get teeth fixed, foot looked at, lose weight, make ophthalmologist appointment" and "do taxes, create separate savings accounts, pay off credit card debt, make more money," it's looking more like "get teeth fixed and get taxes done." Then, on to the second set. And so on. And so forth.
I'm also learning that realistic short term goals are much more achievable than lofty, far off goals. "Get to the point where I can do 120 squats and still be able to walk the next day" is a lot more achievable than "lose weight." "Pay off credit card debt within three months" is a lot more tangible than "earn more." "Blog about something important to you right now" is more likely to happen than "write a best seller."
It's really difficult for me, this slowing down thing. But I can already see its benefits. I am happy because I am achieving my short term goals. Therefore I am more encouraged to keep reaching other short term goals, and thus feel confident in setting new challenges for myself. It's kind of like the really unfortunate Catch-22 of working out/eating right. The worse you eat and the more out of shape you get, the less likely you are to be motivated to work out and eat better. But once you start, the more you workout, the easier it gets to watch what you eat, and the better you eat, the more dedicated you become to your workouts. I guess that's always been my problem. I want my donuts and my rock-hard abs, too, instantaneously. So I am making choices, setting priorities, and slowing down enough to see the difference between what I want and how to get there.
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