Analysis of Contemporary Romantic Poetry

I know that we are all modern and have become almost completely desensitized to the old-world concepts of romance, chivalry, mystique, and courtship, but sometimes one has to step back in wonder at the poetic lyrics that some of our finest young musical sensations are putting out there. Last night, because I am an insomniac and was still awake at 2, I tried to come up with a list of my favorite really bad, crude lyrics. Since I apparently have nothing better to do before 10 in the morning, since the Copy Center is sloooooow at this time (college students aren't up yet, duh), I was going to proceed to make up a little list of my favorite summer lewdness that assaulted my dainty virginal ears this summer. All were songs that to a degree I enjoyed and "bumped" to, so these were not going to songs that I was to criticize, merely comment on their combined effort to kill romance. After starting to make up the list, however, I decided a far more rewarding experience would be a close analytical look at what was going to be in the number one song for least romantic and most lewd (and therefore most fun to write about).

This great honor I am bestowing upon none other than E-40's "U and Dat". To begin with, E-40, what exactly does this mean? "Girl, I been shaking and acting a donkey tryna to get you and that monkey"? What does "acting a donkey" mean? I mean, it means you're acting like an ass (literally), but WHY are you acting like an ass in order to get to a girl's... monkey? I can only speculate what he means by "monkey," aided by a vivid imagination and word association games that link monkey to banana and banana to a man's organ. I find it slightly disturbing that instead of being won over and seduced by a man's chivalry, girls have come to give it up to asses. Long gone are the days of sonnets under the moonlight, flowers, love songs and whispered sweet nothings. Maybe those days were full of sugarcoated hypocrisy, but at least you went to sleep sighing, thinking you were special, instead of going to bed knowing that if it wasn't you, it was some other ho and that to him you aren't even a woman, but merely a body that comes equipped with... a monkey.

Moving on with the lyrics. E-40 proceeds to tell us about how he propses to win the fair maiden's monkey. "I walk up in the club with a limpin (Limpin) God listen, what you gonna do, with this pimpin." What am I going to do, E-40? Get you a walking stick, some crutches? Why are you limping? What happened to the days when physical appearance was attractive because it was exactly that-- attractive? When men dressed in clothes that fit them, walked with correct posture, opened their eyes when looking at a woman instead squinting through beady little eyes?

Just when we thought everything was going so well (he's limpin' along, twisting and shaking and being a donkey), E-40 steps up his game by apparently approaching the girl and telling her more precisely what is on his mind: "Oooh, your ass is right I aint tryna let that pass me tonight I'm a put my bid in and tell you something slick Whisper in your ear while I'm holding my dick I don't mean no harm, it's the hood in me." Oh, you don't mean no harm? But you are approaching a woman who you are trying to seduce while holding on to your what? Ok, now this is where I start to feel just a little bit offended. Fine, you need to do your little shake-n-bake dance, and limp along because you think it makes you look bad-ass. I will understand that there are some mating rituals that you may feel the need to perform, but fellas, under no circumstances is it all right to approach a woman and make advances towards her while holding on to ANY part of your body. Unless you cover your heart and tell her you have been struck by love at the sight of her beauty which surely is a shell hiding an angel. (HA)

After a short interchange between the object of his affection (sic), we are let to understand that this woman is apparently his soul mate, because she is digging his rough attitude and strong pimp-ness! To her positive reply, E-40 then follows with the summer's absolute best lewd lyric: "You looking like you got that good gooshy, gooshy Fucking round with me, I beat the brakes off that pussy Have your ass cumming like a porn star movie Tell your friends and I bet they all wanna do me." Let's ignore the "gooshy gooshy" (after all, this is the closest we've come to those whispered sweet nothings) and the fact that I have no idea what "beat the breaks off that pussy" means (I wasn't aware we women come equiped with breakes down there. Apparently this girl is not lacking an accelerator though). I find fascinating that he (and more disturbingly, that she) is comfortable with the fact that he tells her he wants to have her ass cumming like a porn star movie. That has to be the most vivid image of raunchy, hot, dirty sex I have heard in a very long time. Not that I am arguing against such lovely activities, I am only saying that the boundaries of chivalry here are completely erased, the border between the land of romance and the land of sex have so completely been obliterated that our standards of courtship are now set by pornography and acts that to this day remain illegal (unfortunately) in some states of our great Union.

To top off the demise of romance, which has traditionally been a monogamous (at least in name) practice, E-40 then beats the final nail in the coffin of sentimentality, by promising the girl that not only will he have her ass cumming like a porn star movie, but that he will make her want to share him with all of her friends. We are now free to whip out our handkerchief and wave goodbye to the Love Boat, as it has clearly sailed away.

Thank God we still have the Nick Lacheys of this world to remind us what real love is.

Original post date: September 22, 2006