Moving On

I have lived in Hollywood for 14 months, and I gotta say, they have been some interesting 14 months. As I pack books into boxes and clothes into suitcases, there are some regrets... I regret that I did not entertain more at my apt; that I did not cook more; that I did not get around to painting my coffee table red like I had planned. I watched way too much Sex and the City instead of explore the Hollywood "scene" more, and I gathered too much stuff like my once-used Brita water filter, which decidedly left my drinking water tasting funky. I have way too many Cosmos lying around (do I throw them away??) and way too much pasta in my pantry! I'm glad I never took down my mini Christmas tree, although it must have gotten cramped stuck against the wall as it has been; I am glad I bought too many frames last summer during the Aaron Brothers Penny sale; I am so glad I got decent usage out of my piano these last few months. I wish I had not eaten at Palms Thai so many times (okay, that's a lie) and I wish I had vacuumed more often. Come to think of it, I wish I had aquired an actual vacuum cleaner! In short, in 14 brief months, these walls have been witnesses to so much growth, to so many tears, to so many crazy phone conversations with Nadine about things that are probably outlawed in some states. I remember the first couple of months here and how lonely I felt, and how odd life tasted. Like a stale Saltine cracker. I remember coming home from work all frazzled and depressed, hating my job, hating some of the people around me, hating this dirty, smelly apartment building! Like the old saying goes, when it rains it pours, and last summer was by far a long shot from being the highlight of this decade. In my scramble to find a (reasonably affordable yet livable) place, my path led me here, far from the UCLA and Westwood and Santa Monica areas I had become so accostomed to. I thought the drivers here were crazy, the streets shady, the people untrsustworthy, and the place SMELLED! I kid you not. For those who have visisted, you know what I am talking about, and it can be vile. In a flash, college was gone, my staggering-along relationship was gone, an 8-year friendship was gone, people I cared about were scattered throughout the state and country, my job (or rather, some people at work) were starting to seriously suck, and everything seemed to be going down the shit hole. One highlight was getting to stare for an hour at Johnny Depp and then nearly touch him. Nearly. I almost cried when my camera ran out of battery and I couldn't take a decent picture. Damn you, battery! Yet nothing was ever out of my control. I spent months wallowing. I, wallowing! How dissappointing. Eventually I stopped noticing the smelly hallways and took pleasure in being at home by myself instead of feeling lonely. And I guess that was the turning point, that moment when instead of feeling sorry for myself I started seeing all the great sides to my situation. I was independent, still employed, had gotten my degrees, no one was telling me what to do, how to do it, and why, there was no boy influencing my decisions... As Christmas aproached and the New Year neared, I started realizing I couldn't wait for 2005 to be over so that 2006 would be a fresh, different, empoweing new start. And so far it has lived up to those expectations. I am in my first serious AND fulfilling relationship, and I have finally found out what it means to be with a "man" and not a "boy"friend (although honey sometimes you are such a kid, and I love it); I have gone to New York where I met jazz violing-playing doctors and struggling stand-up comedians; visited my family in Romania where I watched my parents renew their vows in my grandmother's village church; I took a boat ride down the Seine with my parents in Paris, and saw Parisian teenagers moon us... Not to mention that I got to know my boyfriend's friends a lot better (and some of their parents too, Andy!) on trips to Santa Cruz where I traveled on a freeway in the middle of the forest, and to San Diego, where I found myself staring at go go girls in the rain on St. Paddys. Wow, it has been a good travel year for me! I guess now I just have to travel 34 miles (from Highland Park, duh) away from here. Who knows what moving from my own place to a rented room will entail? Who knows what grad school will be like? Who knows where I will be 14 months from now? I sure as hell don't. All I know is I have a vague idea of where I want to be. I think a year from now I will be halfway done with my master's degree, and one year smarter in the ways of the world. I have the best support in my corner at the moment, leaving me free to feel excited and empowered, albeit sad for many of the things I am leaving behind or that will have to adjust. I will miss holing up for a weekend of Star Wars marathons, and having way too much Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper in my own fridge, and having my own big lovely bed!! Oh how I will miss my bed, even if it does squeak. I will miss having people crashing at my place, but maybe not some of the reprecussions; I will miss saying "I live on my own" and I will definitely miss not having homework!! I know that for sure. But I won't miss the crazy parking or the snail-paced elevator. But the thing I will miss least of all is this sentiment of waiting... waiting around for life to change, being in limbo. As great as the last five months have been, this constant expectation that life will change (but not yet!) has been getting to me. Finally, pleasant or not, life is going on. C'est la vie.

Original post date: August 16, 2006